This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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