I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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