what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
