I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
