He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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