do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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