FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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