just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
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You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
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