I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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