Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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