wrigley field is MILF paradise
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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