I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
