I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
