so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
cat food counts as protein by the way
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
