If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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