is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
