It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
