...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You dont lie about slip and slides
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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