I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
