When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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