? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
