My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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