If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Randomize
