He uses pillows to masturbate.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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