So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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