Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
