**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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