Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have already put on my inside pants.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
