before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
