highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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