So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
