That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
