The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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