when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
