I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
