also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
