Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
