Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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