Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
