We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
