I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
