I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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