It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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