Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
