god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
