i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
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I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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