I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
well you can't waste a boner
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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