Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
