omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
