My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
