I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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