turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
