What did we do last night that was yellow?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
