my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
