she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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