I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just google imaged poop.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
