i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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