I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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