Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
