Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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