my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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